Sir, I belive you are mistaken

Sunday, June 28, 2009

IF THIS BE a season–just a spell of loneliness–I have been given grace afresh this morning to embrace this whole-heartedly! And if God sees it fit and most glorious to his holy Name to ordain this loneliness for my lifetime, I will praise him all the more, for he has chosen to display his great grace and great strength through me in my utter helplessness and hopelessness! Who am I to talk back to him who made me this way? What should I say to him?

“Sir, I believe you’re mistaken, in my calculation, I foresee in my future that I need a husband for ultimate sanctification (after all, it seems as though all of my friends are married, engaged, or in a relationship). But even if it is not your will that I marry, it is at least necessary that my heart be consoled in this loneliness by affectionate hugs from friends, is it not? When was the last time I cherished a sweet embrace of another–a genuine embrace which soothed my tears? Two months ago? I feel as though, since moving into an apartment by myself, I’ve clothed myself with this jacket of impermeability–I’m now unable to communicate or receive affection. This can’t be right, this can’t be healthy, this most certainly cannot be for my sanctification for it is a ripping, tearing, searing within my own heart: am I no longer human? Is it really too much to ask, ‘Please Sir, just one genuine friend? Not that I am ungrateful for my friends now, nor are they insincere, but I don’t know one who understands my thirst for friendship nor how my heart rejoices when I’m surrounded by a family! But even if one could know and empathize, I fear that they wouldn’t reciprocate the same need for affection as I because they are elsewhere satisfied…then, I am left to crawl on my hands and knees, to scavenge for the crumbs of haphazard hugs from others. Perhaps I am being too harsh and critical towards others. Perhaps they do not hug carelessly, and perhaps it is I who am haphazardly speaking. Sir, am I evil and wicked to desire to sit again at the banqueting table of friendship and kindred with others that I may again praise you and thank you for how you minister to my soul through them?’ This question plagues my weary heart. And I know you hold all the power to orchestrate the answer to my plea. Why then, why do you withhold this from me?”

To be frank, after this much needed introspection, I look within my heart at these yearnings and thoughts and reflect with loathsome disgust at my distrust and cynicism toward God! O you of little faith who knows not the precious loving gifts of God! They are never wrapped in the paper I suspect, nor is there a plump bow atop to capture my gaze! Have I been so blind to have been searching, looking, desiring a gift or jewel or present and have lost sight and removed my gaze from him who withholds no good thing? Forgive me God, for my brash inquiries!

The Giver gets the glory,
Not the gift at which we gaze.
He and He alone is worthy,
Worthy of all our praise!

This morning, as I sat in my seat with these thoughts of God’s sustaining grace washing over me, my heart was filled with galvanizing gladness to thank my God for where he has placed me and for guiding me into this dark valley for his glory!